I’m sitting by my daughter’s bed for one hour. It’s past her bedtime, she got plenty of snuggles, kisses, stories, and lullabies. Much more than I used to get when I was her age, by the way. What’s the right thing to do here? Where is the right balance between making her loved fully, without me feeling like a victim of motherhood?!
Not having grown up feeling loved unconditionally, I find myself swinging the balance pendulum all the way to the other side. Feeling like I’m giving too much to my daughter. “I should have been already back at my work a long time ago. She should have been sleeping by now. Why is she not sleeping today?!”
Part of me loves to spend this quality time together, just the two of us. But the other part is growing resentful, feeling like I’m a self-sacrificing victim of my daughter’s hunger for attention, care, love. The more she gets, the more she demands. It’s not an option that I leave her room now.
And so I grow more and more impatient. More stressed and pressed for time. “When are you finally going to sleep?!” My tone is slowly but clearly shifting from loving to tired, and then to angry, the more often I look at the cute little sheep-clock by my daughter’s bed.
So yes, while I’d love to feel like a victim of being a ‘loving mom’ and this is the price I have to pay for it, I know that’s not the real story here.
So what is the real story?
I’m overcompensating for my own childhood. I’m trying to give my daughter what I would have loved feeling myself back then. But by doing this projection of my past into our present relationship, I’m letting go of my boundaries. And why wouldn’t I?
Unconditional love knows no conditions, nor boundaries, right?
Wrong.
The moment you let go of your boundaries, you’re starting a timer on a ticking bomb. No matter what level of Mother Theresa-ing you think you’re doing, it’s going to explode right in your face (and not only yours) sooner or later. And I bet it already did more than once, didn’t it? And I know that bedtime might not be a trigger for every mom. But I dare you not to find any situation that your past ‘baggage’ didn’t set you up and backfired.
From lacking unconditional love and acceptance in my childhood – to feeling like I need to give myself away now that I’m a mom – to anger, frustration, and resentment as a result. Quite far from the initial intentions, sadly.
So what’s the way out?
Step 1 (as always): Awareness
You can tick this box off if you found at least one example of how you/your past baggage showed up in your parenting.
This is a great first step because you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge…
Step 3 (yes, 3, that’s not a typo): Choose Differently
Now that you are ready to take some responsibility for how you got here, it means you have the power to change this and get out. In my own example above, it was clearly high time for a new bedtime routine. One that would make my daughter feel loved, without making me feel exhausted & trapped. It’s so easy to see those things for others, right? Give advice, parenting tips, … it’s so obvious when you hear somebody else tell the story.
So write down your story. Write it as you feel it, no censorship.
And then take a deep breath and read it.
The more experience I have, the more I can already catch myself in the moment. But this is where I started. By listening to/reading back those voices in my head, as if they were somebody else’s.
What would be your advice to another mom if she told you this story (YOUR story)?
Step 2 (only for the brave of heart): it’s never too late to have a happy childhood
More effective than trying to dissolve and rewire one trap situation after the other, is to dig out its roots. Because that’s the source of all your unworthiness, unlovability, not-good-enough-ness, perfectionism, high-achiever-burnout risk, …
As my grandma used to say: “Alenko, pluck those weeds out with their roots, otherwise, they come back in a week!”, watching me work in the strawberry patch while being nestled high up in the window of her weekend house in the mountains. Her eagle eye saw everything.
And she was right.
But not everyone dares to dig out the roots. They were planted when you were so small that feeling it fully felt unbearable back then. Understandably, you buried them so deep that you’d never have to feel them again.
Right.
And yet, here you are.
So what’s the alternative?
The only way to move forward without this baggage is to uncover those roots, heal the wounds, take out what no longer serves, and start planting new, empowering beliefs that will help you feel and get what you want.
It sounds straightforward and so easy. They say “it’s never too late to have a happy childhood” and it’s true. But you need to work with someone who knows how.
Keeping your fingers crossed that you just found one who does?
Yes, you can breathe out. This is the core of the life-changing transformations that I do.
I am indeed a guide who takes you on an expedition to a place you never even knew existed. Yet, it has impacted every step of your life.
Are you ready to stop this generational baggage handover from one generation to another?
At least that was my starting point when I woke up from feeling sorry for myself and realized that oh man, I’m just handing over MY stuff to my daughter right now! I don’t want her to go through the full cycle and end up here 20-30 years later!
If you’re not sure and have questions, let me know.
But if you feel it in your gut that THIS IS IT, this is what you’ve been looking for, then book a call for us to talk asap.
You are the reason why I’m typing away my story in the middle of the night.
Because I know you’ve been waiting for it, I can feel your goosebumps…
Let’s do this!
Alena Gomes Rodrigues - Zenmom
